Trauma or Toxic Stress? Understanding the Kids in Your Ministry

Ahead of the ETCH conference, I joined the Kids Ministry 101 podcast to talk about what it means to be trauma-informed in kids ministry. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about trauma, and I think the best place to start is simply getting our definitions right, because we often call something trauma when it's really toxic stress, and the other way around.

Two definitions worth knowing

Trauma is an actual or perceived experience in which powerful and dangerous stimuli overwhelm a person's capacity to regulate their emotions — a frightening or dangerous event that threatens a child's life or safety. The words actual or perceived matter. What's traumatic for you might not be for me.

Toxic stress is a prolonged activation of the stress response systems in the body and brain.

COVID is a helpful way to see the difference. For a family who suddenly lost someone they loved, the pandemic may have been truly traumatic — and many of the adults around them were too dysregulated themselves to help them calm down. For many of us, though, it was toxic stress. My body and brain stayed on high alert because I didn't know if walking out the front door would make me sick. It's why we bought toilet paper in bulk and wiped down our groceries. Looking back, those choices don't make much sense, but our brains were in survival mode.

Big T and little t trauma

A big T trauma is life-threatening or violent: a shooting, a serious car accident, domestic violence, a sudden cancer diagnosis. A little t trauma doesn't threaten our lives, but it still hurts: a breakup, the death of a pet, a divorce, a move. Both kinds are cumulative. They build up in our systems.

God designed our bodies to endure trauma and toxic stress. He also designed us to calm down in the middle of a stressor, and what helps most is another regulated person beside us saying, "Hey, look at me. Let's breathe. Let's pray." That's what co-regulation looks like.

Why kids may act half their age

Toxic stress derails healthy development. My own kids were in preschool and first grade when school stopped. One day they simply didn't go back. No goodbyes to friends, no end-of-year events. A whole generation went through that together during some of their most formative years.

Because toxic stress derails development, we may need to see kids as developmentally half their age.

That shift gives us compassion. Instead of being furious and asking "What's wrong with you?", we can ask "What happened to you?"

On the podcast, Chuck described something many ministry leaders will recognize: kids are coming in at one of two extremes, ramped up or shut down, with fewer arriving in that healthy, regulated middle. Some are overwhelmed by sights and sounds; others need extra time before they'll say a word.

Look beneath the iceberg

Think of an iceberg. What we can see at the top is behavior: lying, stealing, aggression, self-harm, shutting down, dissociation, whining, anger, manipulation, and more. Underneath the water are four more Bs:

• Body — metabolism and health.
• Brain — how and where it's firing and wiring.
• Beliefs — "I'm not good enough." "I'm not worth anything."
• Biology — what a child may be predisposed to.

When you see a hard behavior in your ministry, pause and ask what else might be going on. Be curious, not furious. A child who seems to be giving you a hard time is usually having a hard time.

Don't forget grief

Something that often gets overlooked: every traumatic experience, actual or perceived, comes with grief and loss. Sometimes kids are simply sad, but it comes out as anger, because anger is a secondary emotion.

Those losses can be layered. A move can mean losing a home, traditions, friends, a reputation, even a sense of identity. Even moving up to a new class at church can stir that up, so advancement season is a good time to be extra gentle.

I grew up in a home where we could be happy and sometimes angry, but rarely sad. Over time I learned that we have to feel sadness to fully experience joy. Healthy ways to grieve include crying, journaling, joining a support group, praying, exercising, and simply putting feelings into words. It's okay to cry.

Practical help for everyday volunteers

• Food, water, and movement. Kids need food, water, and a sensory activity about every two hours. Build in movement and keep protein snacks and water handy.
• Safe touch and eye contact. A fist bump or high five, when appropriate, and genuine eye contact go a long way.
• Change the scenery. If kids are with you longer than two hours, move rooms or change the environment.
• Find ways to say yes. Kids who have faced adversity have heard a lot of no's. "Yes, you can go to the water fountain as soon as everyone's done with snack" helps a child regulate in a way "no" doesn't.
• Offer redos. When a child gets it wrong, give them a chance to try again and get it right instead of leaving them stuck in the wrong.

None of this requires a degree. It takes awareness, patience, and a willingness to see the child in front of you, not just the behavior.