Helping Kids Heal: Trauma-Informed Ministry for Kids and Students
I recently sat down with Chuck Peters on the ETCH Next Gen Ministry Podcast to talk about something that affects every kids and student ministry, whether we notice it or not: the impact of trauma and toxic stress on the kids in our rooms.
Chuck asked me a hard question. In a room of a hundred kids, how many are carrying trauma or toxic stress? It's difficult to put a number on it, but my honest guess is well over half. That's not meant to discourage anyone. It's meant to help us see what's really going on, so we can love these kids well.
Start with connection, not correction
My work is rooted in Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), a holistic approach that looks at the whole child. TBRI has three principles:
- Empowering — caring for the body and its needs.
- Connecting — true, safe human interaction.
- Correcting — understanding the need behind a behavior and responding to it.
We always start with empowering and connecting before we correct. When a child's body is cared for and they're in a trusting relationship with a safe adult, there's usually much less correcting to do.
What a survival brain looks like
When kids live in survival mode, their brains tend to go to one of a few places:
- Fight — acting out physically or verbally.
- Flight — shutting down or pulling away.
- Freeze — dissociating. You look at the child and can tell they're somewhere else entirely.
- Fawn — becoming overly pleasing and agreeable to ease the tension in the room.
Fawn is the one we miss most often. I see it at my own dinner table: when one of my kids is pushing back and things start to escalate, my other child will suddenly announce how much she loves dinner and offer to help clean up. She isn't being sweet for no reason. Her brain is trying to make the discomfort go away.
One of the best ways I like to help adults and kids understand the brain is by using this technique: make a fist with your thumb tucked inside. The bottom of your hand and wrist is the brainstem, where fight, flight and freeze live. Your thumb is the limbic system, where feelings live. Your fingers are the cortex, where we do our whole-brain, thoughtful thinking. That thinking brain isn't fully developed until our mid-twenties or later, which is one reason kids and teens need so much help from the adults around them.
The good news: our brains can rewire at every age, and what rewires them is connection.
The way God made us, our brains can change throughout life. Trauma and toxic stress can wire a child to react quickly from the brainstem, but safe, connected relationships help them build more pathways in the thinking brain. Every book I've ever read on healing, Christian and secular, comes back to the same thing: relationships and connection.
Practical ways to help, starting this Sunday
- Look every child in the eye. Make it a team goal that no child or student leaves without a leader looking them in the eye.
- Say it out loud. "I'm so glad you're here. It's really good to see you."
- Check your face. Kids read faces from a very young age. Smile with your eyes and watch your tone of voice.
- Offer safe touch. A fist bump, high five, side hug, or elbow bump. Let kids lead, and don't initiate full hugs or lap sitting.
- Meet the body's needs. Kids need food, water, and a different sensory activity about every two hours to stay ready to learn.
- Come alongside instead of calling out. When a child is dysregulated in a large group, have another leader quietly take them aside, kneel to eye level, and offer water or a short walk.
- Play. Play disarms fear, and play repairs the brain. For a child who won't high-five, bouncing a balloon back and forth can open the door.
- Listen more than you fix. Especially with teen boys: when they talk, listen. Validate what they share — "I'm really sorry, that sounds hard" — and let that be enough.
- Know your reporting responsibilities. If a child discloses abuse or neglect, follow your church's policy and make sure it's reported. Every adult is a mandated reporter.